How New Airlines are Born!

I read today of "tightened security measures" in our nation's airports.  The goverment plans to install 450 full-body scanners in airports around the country.  These scanners cost $150,000.00 EACH!  That's a total of $67.5 MILLION!! (I thought we were broke??  What about the deficit I keep hearing about??) And to make us all feel even safer, our illustrious President, Odumba   Obama, has earmarked an additional $88 million for another 500 units in his 2011 fiscal budget.  The TSA (Transportation Security Administration)  is also using $15 million to buy 400 more portable explosive detection machines this year. Obama has requested $39 million to buy an additional 800 machines in fiscal 2011.  In addition, Obama has promised to put more air marshals on flights. His fiscal 2011 budget includes $85 million "for increased federal air marshals on international flight coverage."   IS ALL OF THIS REALLY NECESSARY FOLKS???

No damn wonder an airline ticket now costs a small fortune!  (you didn't actually think the government  was footing the bill for this stuff, did you??)  Where do you think the GOVERNMENT gets their money???  That's right!!  FROM US....THE TAXPAYERS!!

Well, I'm just about FED UP with MY money being squandered on things I consider pure bullshit!!  I have a proposal that will not only LOWER the cost of airfare, but SHORTEN your time spent in airports, waiting to be scanned, probed, questioned, and detained.  The American people need to be able to use flight as a means to get from point A to point B, in as little amount of time as possible, and without having to show up at the airport THREE DAYS IN ADVANCE of their scheduled flight!  

I propose:   UNITED DARE-LINES....an airline company run by the people, for the people, and IN SPITE OF THE PEOPLE who would choose to threaten our safety!   Travel on this airline would involve NO security checks what-so-ever.   ANYONE choosing to fly with United Dare-Lines would be doing so at their own risk!  Your ONLY delay in boarding would be the time it takes for you to sign a waiver to that effect, and ...holding your carry-on luggage....step onto the scales on your way thru the gate. 

Overall weight is very important if you expect the plane to get off the ground!  You don't want us to know how much you weigh??  PICK ANOTHER AIRLINE!!  ('course, you could always claim you just  had "heavy luggage".)  We will adhere to the standard "weight & balance" guidelines, thereby restricting the amount of luggage brought onboard, by any one passenger, to three pieces of CHECKED baggage & two carry-on pieces.


In exchange for this drastic,  cost-reducing & innovative approach, a person could expect to buy a roundtrip ticket from Los Angeles to New York City for around $125.00  The pilots & crew, due to the hazardous POSSIBLITIES, would, of course, receive the highest salaries available to ANY airline crews!  Our crews would be constantly rotated so that none of our employees  fly "back to back" flights...just in case they pissed somebody off on a previous flight!  

With United Dare-Lines, there are NO "ounce-age" restrictions on liquids.  Bring as much as you like!  Just be aware that the airline will  NOT be responsible for any spills....and YOU clean up your own mess!   (Paper towels will be provided for a nominal fee, if you do not have your own.)

We will  NOT transport live animals of any type.  Our belief is that THEY, being unable to read and sign the waiver for themselves, should NOT be subjected to the possibility of a firey plane crash & certain death or dismemberment, simply for the convenience of their owners.   (UPS does deliver live animals, and if you plan well....your pet can MEET YOU at your destination.)

Our airline would serve only pre-packaged, 5 oz. snacks, such as peanuts or potato chips. "Cheetos"  brand snacks will NOT be served onboard, or permitted to be carried on, due to the fact that they tend to leave nasty yellow "trace evidence"  all over the upholstery.  You will be offered your choice of alcoholic beverage at NO CHARGE.  (Oh, and water, for those non-drinking people.) It is our belief that, since signing your waiver, and boarding our plane....you might need 'a little something' to calm your nerves. Although all alcoholic beverages are free of charge, we WILL charge $2.00 per bottle of water. (Water is quite heavy & must be included in our overall 'weight & balance' figures, therefore, only a limited supply can be carried on board.)

Our airline would further cut the cost of flights by eliminating the standard oxygen and masks from all our planes.  This will be a huge savings which will be directly passed on to our customers.  We figure if you're that paranoid about any sudden changes in cabin pressure....bring your own oxygen & mask...but be advised that this will count as one of your 'carry-on' pieces. (The same rules apply to anyone wishing to bring a parachute onboard.)

Oh, and finally.....handguns ARE ALLOWED on all of our domestic flights.   We don't need a federal air marshal!   It is our assumption and belief, that none of our passengers wants to go down in a ball of flame & twisted metal, or be vaporized with explosives at 30,000 feet. 

OUR MOTTO:    If you spot an obvious TERRORIST on one of our flights.....PUT A CAP IN HIS ASS!!